Transient
by panickedfish
Summary: post-episode 22 angst. Levi tries to cope with the loss of his squad and Mikasa faces the possibility of losing Eren to another division. Oneshot.


Lance Corporal Levi sat alone at a long table in the army barracks. He occupied two chairs, one of which he was sitting on, and the other was to elevate his injured ankle, broken in the fight against the Female Titan. Levi grimaced, reluctant to remove his boot and assess the damage. He didn't want to trouble a medic because there had been several people more injured than he. The body count on this mission had been extremely high, not that there were many bodies to show for it.

Levi had spent enough time in the military to know that it was unceremonious not to give a comrade a proper burial. He also knew the importance of keeping his men above ground - and those who were still skilled or lucky enough to be alive ought to come first. Levi took a swig of the sake in front of him on the table and studied the patterns in the worn wood of the table. The decision to abandon his subordinates bodies as a distraction didn't sit well with either Levi or Irwin, but they knew it had been necessary. Still, Levi couldn't get the image of Petra's bloodstained mouth and her body bouncing like a discarded burlap sack of potatoes. He knew that it was a decision he would have to live with; a torturous image that would haunt him for the rest of his life.

"She was going to devote herself to you," Petra's father had said. Levi clenched his hands on the table in front of him. His chest felt tight, constricted. It had taken all of his self-control to maintain a straight face while Mr. Ral had said all of that. He couldn't bring himself to tell the man anything not already given away by his haunted eyes. Now that Levi was given a chance to think about the hope in Mr. Ral's expression, the hope that he might see his successful daughter again… Levi downed the rest of his Sake within moments and stood to get another.

An anguished gasp tore itself from his lips. Levi stumbled when he tried to put weight on his broken leg. It had probably been fractured in several places. Levi forced himself to ignore the pain and stand. He deserved to hurt; he deserved to die. As a commander, his job was to keep his subordinates safe. And he had ultimately failed in that task. Miserably so.

Forcing a normal walk, Levi hobbled over towards a shelf along one wall of the mess hall. He reached up for a large bottle of sake and turned around to open it.  
Dark slate eyes watched him from the darkness. Levi frowned towards the silhouette of a person, hoping in vain that they would leave him. He was unwilling for social interaction with anyone, except for maybe Hanji. The person stepped into the light from the dusty windows and Levi was surprised when he saw who it was.

"Mikasa," he said. She and Hanji were probably the only ones who wouldn't take pity on him. He couldn't stand that - couldn't stand at all, in fact. Levi took a step and wobbled, both from the pain of his disjointed ankle and the effects of the sake. Mikasa watched him impassively, a cold gleam to her eyes. Even though they had all just been defeated hours before, like any good tactician, Mikasa was looking towards the future. And it looked like she was about to wage a war right here and now. Levi prepared himself for an attack.

She cut to the chase. "Why is Eren locked up again?"

Levi sighed. "He's going to be transferred to another division. It's out of my control."

"Not those wall cult freaks! They'll kill him!"

Levi shrugged, took another step away from her. He felt dizzy from pain and alcohol. Mikasa took another step towards him. If he wanted to, Levi could probably stumble towards her and use her shoulder as a crutch. He glanced at his table. It was quite a distance away. He might not make it without assistance.

"It's out of my control," Levi took another swig of his drink. The alcohol had no taste anymore, it was as dull as his mood.

"Bullshit," Mikasa yelled. "You can't lock him up like an animal in the basement, release him, use him until he's served his purpose, and then get rid of him. What kind of person does that?"

Levi didn't say anything. His ankle was giving him more grief. It was simultaneously numb and throbbing. He just wanted to be left alone with his drink and his thoughts - physical and emotional pain, both of which he deserved a hundred times over.

"You're a coward!" Mikasa glared at him. "You have a position of power but you'd prefer to hide like a scared child and let other people make the decisions."

"I saved you, when we were fighting the female titan."

"That't not enough," Mikasa said pleadingly. Levi looked at her and realized she was right. He saved her because he couldn't stand to see someone else die. That didn't prove anything though; there was more than enough blood on his hands.

"You have to fight!" Mikasa insisted.

"We fought. I lost. It's time to move on."

"What about Eren's basement?"

Levi shrugged. "If the higher-ups decide, there might be another attempt. But it's unlikely after this disaster. Talk to Dot Pixus."

Mikasa lunged at Levi. She caught him off guard and Levi stumbled, his ankle screaming in pain. He fell back against the wall and struggled back to his feet, dumbly registered fists contacting his chest, even a few blows to the head, before he realized through alcohol-dulled reflexes, that Mikasa was attacking him.

"Stop," he slurred, leaning into the wall. He grabbed for her wrists and managed to pin them by her sides, still while maintaining a tight grip on his drink. Mikasa kicked at him but he shouted this time. "STOP!"

Mikasa froze. The anger left her eyes and her body became limp in his hands.

"Let go of me."

Levi did as she asked, and Mikasa stepped back.

"I'm sorry." Levi whispered.

"You have to fight. Because if you give up, we lose. You and me, we're humanity's strongest. And, transformed, Eren is our best hope of fighting back against the other titans." Mikasa seemed close to tears in her desperation.

"I won't lose," Levi muttered.

"Then FIGHT!" Mikasa spat at him. "Fight for Eren, fight for Petra. Fight for me."

Levi eyed her. This fifteen year old girl was so full of spirit, it would be disgraceful to let her down. For now, though, Levi needed his bottle and an empty room. Tomorrow was a new day, another chance to save all of their lives. And if he was already past his peak as a leader, well then he would be replaced. Commander Erwin was a logical choice to take his place. Or even Hanji, despite her eccentrics. Such was the nature of war. There were no second chances and his orders had caused his squad to pay the ultimate price. He should be the one in a body bag, not them. But life, whether inside the Walls or out, was transient - people were moving from one battle to the next, living, loving, dying. They were but small lights in an empty sky; shooting starts that disappeared into nothing.

"Leave me. For now." He had much to think about.

Mikasa looked at him with a disgusted expression and turned on her heel. She left the dining hall. Levi stumbled over to his original seat and felt hot tears in the corner of his eyes. He blinked furiously to destroy them before they could escape his eyes, but his shoulders shook from the exertion of trying to keep his self-loathing contained. He downed the rest of his sake and leaned forward, resting his head on the table.

Whether a result of the pain in his ankle, the alcohol flooding his cells, or even just the exhaustion in general, Corporal Levi saw someone at the other end of the hall, almost out of his view. She had short blonde hair and eager eyes and was surrounded by a peaceful white aura.

Levi smiled, his own eyes half-closing. The apparition smiled back.

He knew she would be gone when he woke up with a headache the next morning. But for now, it was like falling asleep knowing that someone out there was going to look after him. Levi thought of Mikasa and Eren, and realized that neither should be made to go on without the other. He would have to talk to the higher-ups tomorrow morning and make sure to get them to see things from his own perspective. It was the least he could do.

Petra had indeed devoted herself to him. She had given her life in the line of service, and there was nothing more Levi could have asked for. He would make sure that her death and the deaths of everyone else would not be in vain. Humanity would continue to attack the titans until, finally, they could live, without fear, beyond the Walls.

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I'm sorry if it's ooc, I just needed to write something quickly because feelings. I actually hate this anime.


End file.
